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I am the only child in my family.In the 1970s, my mother, along with thousands of people who also left cities in response to Chairman Mao's call to develop rural areas, worked in Qiaosi Farm, Hangzhou, East China's Zhejiang Province.

Because of the difficulties getting a city residence card for a newborn, and money problems, she decided to have only one child.

Later she received an award of 20 yuan (US$2.5) from a local government for having one child, which was equal to her monthly wage.

She spent the money on a pair of brown cane chairs, which were well-made and the only luxurious furniture in my home.

She loved to sit in the chair to pass the time with endless knitting.

Sometimes she wondered what it would have been like if she had had the second child, what kind of life it would have been for the family?

Obviously, it would be far more than the chairs could bring to us.

I felt very lonely when I grew up, especially after my father was diagnosed with cancer in 1983.

I had to spend all my weekends and holidays accompanying him to hospital,while my mother worked very hard to support the family.

I was not allowed to have a pet at home because my mother felt it would burden her with more stress and make more trouble for her.

I terribly admired my classmates who had brothers or sisters with whom they could share happiness and care for each other. When one was bullied, another one could stand up and fight for him/her.

But my brothers and sisters exist only in my dreams.

My mother collapsed and even became ill by my failure to pass the University Entrance Examinations in 1993. She lost face when her colleagues' children went to Tsinghua and Peking universities. She believed firmly that I should have worked very hard so that I could have achieved dreams she never got a chance to realize in her life.

But I just want to be myself.

I felt frustrated at how hard it was to live up to my mother's expectations. But she never listened to my complaints.

There was no discussion between us,and I deliberately resisted her orders.

We both knew that we were losing each other, but we could not stop it until that day she was sent to a hospital because of an allergy to medication, while my father stayed in an intensive care unit.

Nothing is worse than having both of the dearest people to you lying in hospital.At that moment I realized how important they were to me.

I rushed around madly between their wards, wishing I weren't the only child in the family to bear the suffering.

My father died anyway in 2000. My mother became a workaholic afterwards, immersing herself in her work.

Surprisingly we talk more than ever in recent times, even though we live separately, mainly because we both have become more mature.

Once I asked her if she regrets having only one child, since she might not have felt hopeless when one of her children turned out to be, what I felt, the biggest disappointment in her life.

"What's the use of regretting your decision in the past? It is a matter not as simple as just feeding an extra mouth, as it involves enormous efforts and patience through your life," she said,

"You, in effect, don't disappoint me at all. Whether you are famous or ordinary,you are always the one I am proud for. I think it is a rule that applies to any parent," she said.

It is pointless to count the sufferings I had in my childhood, according to what my mother said to me.

I am stupid for always focusing on what I don't have and turning a blind eye to what I receive -complete love from a mother.

From this point of view, I am lucky to be the one child in our family.