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Young couples splitting from tradition

By Lin Qi (China Daily)
Updated: 2009-06-10 09:28

"An only-child grows up constantly being taken care of by family," Liu explained. "So a lot of young people are mentally immature and not ready to take on big life challenges, such as marriage or having children.

A customer looks at the "Happy Marriage" ceramic dolls in a supermarket in Weifang, Shandong province. [Zhang Chi]

"Unlike their parents, who experienced political turbulence and economic difficulties in the 1960s and 70s, they have not encountered many struggles in life. So when they have disputes in marriage, they feel helpless and may easily give up."

Shi Qilan, who has one daughter in Shenyang, Liaoning province, said couples must work together to overcome their selfish ways.

"They should show more mutual understanding and tolerance. After getting married, they probably feel unbalanced having to think of someone else. But they must help each other, otherwise marriage just becomes one big tug of war," she said.

Another reason for the rise in divorce could be the fact the procedure for marriages and separations was streamlined in October 2003 with the new Regulation on Marriage Registration.

Li Mingshun, a law professor at the China Women's University in Beijing, explained that premarital checks are made voluntary, while applicants looking for permits to marry or part do not have to present a certificate issued by their employers, which was a necessity in the past.

Couples divorcing at civil affairs bureaus can now obtain the certificates the day they apply, no longer having to wait a month for screening.

Sociologists have also called attention to couples from rural areas among China's 140 million migrant workers.

"People between 20 and 30 take up about 30 percent of the migrant worker population, while married people occupy 60 to 70 percent," said Duan Chengrong, an expert on the migrant community at Renmin University of China.

Shenzhen, a special economic zone in Guangdong province, is home to more than 4 million migrant workers and, in a marriages survey conducted by a local women's federation in 2004, extramarital affairs, domestic violence and clashes of personalities were the top three causes of divorce.

Despite the rise in flash marriages and lightening-quick divorces among the post-80s generation, they themselves think the problem is not as bad as older people make out.

"The public has overly criticized this generation," said Zhao Rui, 27, who is planning his wedding in Beijing. "We are products of the time and we should not be blamed for all the problems we encounter."

Those from single-child families still display the traditional values while also embodying modern thinking, he said, with husbands and wives now looking for independence and equality, as well as a suitable partner.

Before the family planning policies of the 1970s, Chinese families would often be large, extended affairs, with three or four generations living under one roof. Now, they are usually tight, nuclear families of only two parents and one child.

The study by the CASS showed almost 50 percent of adults from only-child units preferred the nuclear structure, while only 35 percent said they did not live with their parents.

"Older generations who only have one child look for marital stability for their child, especially if they have experienced political turbulence or a lack of daily necessities," said Tian Fanjiang, CEO of Baihe.com, a major online dating and relationship counseling service with 15 million registered members across China.

"But these couples don't just want to get by, they are in pursuit of pure love, happiness and enjoyment. Marriage is not the once-in-a-lifetime thing it was for their parents or grandparents."

Wang Yin and her husband are among the success stories of the post-80s generation. An only-child from Beijing, Wang has been married for six years and says the trick to a good marriage is communication.

"My husband and I are very different people, but we appreciate and learn from each other," she said. "We respect each other's space and always try to find a way to solve a conflict of interest. We agree we are equal and should communicate even during an argument."

Wang also said half the fun of marriage was finding unique ways to solve a battle of wills. She added: "My husband can eat noodles or pancakes for every meal, and I love eating rice, so we agreed to alternate between eating noodles and rice. But as I do most of the cooking, he has had to eat rice more often, although I've also learnt some new dishes to generate his interest in rice."

Parents can also heap immense pressure onto an only-child, who is usually forced to carry the full weight of their hopes into a marriage.

Tian at Baihe.com said that at least a third of his website's members are accompanied on dates by a parent, and added: "Parents should realize their children would like to make decisions for themselves, rather than just do what they are told to do."

Psychologist Liu said parents helping out with their child's marriage or home life was not a bad idea, but they must learn not to get too involved.

"Parents should let go so children can learn to take care of things and tackle problems themselves," she said. "What is important now is young people receive marriage education, learn the different stages of a marriage and how to build a vision of family life."

Wang Yin said more marriage counselors should be available to coach couples whose relationships are on the rocks.

"Couples must learn how to manage the marriage just like they manage their careers," she added. "It is not something you can just ignore and take for granted.

"Your marriage will grow stronger if you just realize it is not an easy job."

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