Movie sex sets even higher ideals. Actors are chosen for their perfect bodies
and faces, made up by world-famous makeup artists and then carefully positioned
under millions of dollars of lighting, all meticulously designed to flatter. The
perfect couple then poses, pouts, groans and moans their way to an
earth-shattering simultaneous orgasm, leaving us jealous and wondering, Why
can't I have that? The result is a nagging sense of sexual dissatisfaction and
fear that we don't measure up.
Your Friends
We like to measure ourselves against the norm to find our place in the sexual
pecking order. Intellectually, we all know it shouldn't matter what Dick and
Jane do in bed. But unfortunately it does. If you're sitting in the coffee shop
listening to your girlfriends rattle on about this guy and that guy and what
Brad does and how wonderful it is when he does it, you're bound to feel peeved
if the closest you get to an orgasm is eating a block of Hershey's. The trouble
is, how do you know your friends are telling the truth? Who hasn't gone home
after a tell-all confessional with the girls secretly feeling guilty for
exaggerating because everyone else's sex lives sounded so interesting? According
to the experts, we overplay and exaggerate our sexual prowess when we first meet
people, out of a desire not to seem inferior. Quite the opposite happens once we
become fast friends; then we exaggerate how bad things are.
As impressionable adolescents, friends teach each other the "how to" part of
sex education: how to kiss, how to flirt, how to do naughty things behind the
bleachers. The only problem is, our peers tend to suffer from
"one-up-personship." All too often they'll say it was wonderful, when in fact it
was awful. Then when we try it and, through embarrassment or lack of knowledge,
also find it awful, we think we're getting it wrong. We've been told so many
conflicting things about sex that it's not surprising it's a continuous source
of unease.
Breaking the Pattern
Are you destined for misery if the people around you weren't exactly sexually
inspiring? Not if you recognize the problem and actively set out to correct it,
say psychologists. Here's how:
Be aware of any stereotypes you've formed and actively challenge them.
Write down the three main messages you got about sex from each of the
people/categories listed in this article. Then write down healthier alternative
messages you'd like to use to replace the distorted views. From this, take the
five messages you most want to adopt about sex, pin them to your bedroom mirror
and look at them daily. This will help your brain adjust your sexual blueprint.
Educate yourself sexually. Arm yourself with some good sex manuals and
start studying. Read the sections that talk about emotional feelings about sex
as well as the technical how-to chapters on improving your love life. Education
is power. The more evidence you have to dispute unhealthy sex messages, the more
chance you have of changing them.
Work on your self-esteem. If your experiences have left you seriously
doubting your sexual appeal and attractiveness, surround yourself with people
who give you confidence or take a few self-esteem-boosting courses to help get
you back on track.
Don't be afraid to seek help. If you feel seriously troubled or out of
control, visit a counselor. Sometimes one or two sessions with an expert can
save you years of soul searching!