Clueless about courtship, in a texting culture
Updated: 2013-01-27 08:27
By Alex Williams(The New York Times)
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In a post-dating world, hanging out and hooking up define the new landscape of romance. Denise Hewett, 24, sends text messages at The Box, a performance space and nightclub she goes to in Manhattan. Jennifer S. Altman for The New York Times |
Maybe it was because they had met on the dating Web site OkCupid. But when the dark-eyed musician asked Shani Silver, a social media and blog manager in Philadelphia, out on a "date"Friday night, she was expecting at least a drink, one on one.
"At 10 p.m., I hadn't heard from him,"said Ms. Silver, 30. Finally, at 10:30, he sent a text message. "Hey, I'm at Pub & Kitchen, want to meet up for a drink or whatever?"he wrote, adding, "I'm here with a bunch of friends from college."
She fired back a text message, politely declining.
"The word 'date' should almost be stricken from the dictionary,"Ms. Silver said. "Dating culture has evolved to a cycle of text messages, each one requiring the code-breaking skills of a cold war spy to interpret."
Raised in the age of so-called "hookup culture,"millennials - now starting to think about settling down - are subverting the rules of courtship.
Instead of dinner-and-a-movie, which seems as obsolete as a rotary phone, they rendezvous over phone texts, Facebook posts, instant messages and other "non-dates"that are leaving a generation confused about how to land a boyfriend or girlfriend.
"The new date is 'hanging out,' "said Denise Hewett, 24, an associate television producer in New York who is developing a show about this new romantic landscape. As one male friend told her: "I don't like to take girls out. I like to have them join in on what I'm doing - going to an event, a concert."
Many students have never been on a traditional date, said Donna Freitas, who has taught religion and gender studies at Boston University and Hofstra University in Hempstead, New York, and is the author of the forthcoming book, "The End of Sex: How Hookup Culture is Leaving a Generation Unhappy, Sexually Unfulfilled, and Confused About Intimacy."
The problem is that "young people today don't know how to get out of hookup culture,"Ms. Freitas said. "They're wondering, 'If you like someone, how would you walk up to them? What would you say?' "
Relationship experts point to technology as a factor in the upending of dating culture. Traditional courtship - picking up the telephone and asking someone on a date - required courage, planning and a considerable investment of ego (by telephone, rejection stings). Not so with texting, e-mail, Twitter or other forms of "asynchronous communication,"as techies call it. In the context of dating, it removes much of the need for charm.
Faced with a never-ending stream of singles to choose from on online dating sites, many feel a sense of "FOMO"(fear of missing out), so they opt for a speed-dating approach - cycle through lots of suitors quickly.
"It's like darts on a dart board, eventually one will stick,"said Joshua Sky, 26, a branding coordinator in Manhattan.
There's another reason traditional dates have become obsolete. If the purpose of the first date was to learn about someone's background, education, politics and tastes, Google and Facebook have taken care of that.
"We're all Ph.D.'s in Internet stalking these days,"said Andrea Lavinthal, an author of the 2005 book "The Hookup Handbook.""Online research makes the first date feel unnecessary, because it creates a false sense of intimacy. You think you know all the important stuff, when in reality, all you know is that they watch 'Homeland,' "she said, referring to the popular television show.
Complicating matters is the changing economic power dynamic between the genders, as reflected by a number of studies, said Hanna Rosin, author of the recent book "The End of Men."
"Maybe there's still a sense of a man taking care of a woman, but our ideology is aligning with the reality of our finances,"Ms. Rosin said. As a man, you might "convince yourself that dating is passe, a relic of a paternalistic era, because you can't afford to take a woman to a restaurant."
Even in an era of ambivalence about gender roles, however, some women keep traditions alive.
Cheryl Yeoh, a tech entrepreneur in San Francisco, said that she has been on many formal dates recently. One suitor even presented her with red roses. She generally refuses to go on any date that is not set up a week in advance, involving a degree of forethought.
"If he really wants you,"Ms. Yeoh, 29, said, "he has to put in some effort."
The New York Times
(China Daily 01/27/2013 page12)